Oct. 25, 2018, Vol.16, Issue 6
October: it’s national Breast Cancer month, and it’s been a crazy, busy month with all of the women’s health and breast cancer awareness and survivor celebrations happening around the country.
This year I’ve observed some broadening of the scope from all pink for breast cancer into attention to other cancers. Vidant Health, featured Brenda Elsagher, a colorectal cancer survivor and comedian, in their 2018 Pink Power tour through eight cities in their health system in eastern North Carolina. In Georgia, ovarian cancer survivor and comedian Karen Mills was the keynote speaker for the Pink Picnic sponsored by Community Health Works.
From obscurity (Shhh…mentioning breasts publicly was practically unmentionable in earlier days) to the media attention that “Pink Power” receives today, it’s nice to see the attention being shared.
Another theme that’s making the news is kindness. Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness.
What’s as important, if not more important, is that it’s not always, or only, about a physical action — or the receiver. It’s a mental state, and the giver receives the benefits as well.
As breast cancer survivor, Nicole J. Phillips, our featured speaker today, says, “As the person performing a kindness, the life you transform isn’t the other person’s, it’s your own.”
Nicole J. Phillips
Kindness as a Form of Chemotherapy
Every year on her birthday, Nicole goes for her annual exam. On her 40th birthday her physician felt a lump in her left breast. Thinking of herself as simply having lumpy breasts, she protested. However, further testing revealed a diagnosis of Stage 2 lobular carcinoma.
“I felt like it was totally out of left field,” she said. “First there was denial — I have no family history. Then there was guilt. I started obsessing over all the ‘reasons’ that I thought women get breast cancer —parental anger, using birth control pills, smoking, drinking, everything I could think of to blame myself and my past behaviors.”
Then the Susan G. Komen Foundation came to the rescue. “The #1 reason for getting breast cancer is that you’re a woman,” they told me. “That helped me let go of the guilt and it taught me a lot about perspective: We can focus on the ‘what if’s’ in life — the could have, should have, would have’s in life — or we can focus on other people instead of ourselves and that’s where kindness comes in.”
“Kindness was the primary tool in my cancer journey,” she said. “I like to think of it as a form of chemotherapy — with much better side affects. Practicing acts of kindness took the focus off myself and put it on to others, and that’s a game-changer, for sure.”
Fortunately Nicole had discovered the life-altering results of practicing kindness four years before her breast cancer diagnosis. “In 2011, I was at the edge of alcoholism, a smoker, on anti-depressants, overweight and angry with my husband most of the time,” she said. “Life felt mundane and passionless.
“One day, I took my three small children to the public pool. I met a young lady there and we struck up a conversation. Sitting and talking with her, I realized that she was a young mom — seventeen years old. She had long, blonde hair and was dressed in a gold bikini, so I’ve since dubbed her the Gold Bikini Mom.
“We had a wonderful conversation and talking with her led me to want to give her money. She didn’t ask for it. I just felt like she was doing a great job being a Mom. I had a husband, and all kinds of resources and didn’t think I was doing such a great job. A voice in my head kept saying, ‘Help her out, give her some money.’ She was very grateful, hugged me and cried. As we left the pool that day, I had a high unlike I’d ever felt from any other mood-altering action I’d ever taken.
“It felt so great,” she continued, “I just thought that if everyone knew what this felt like, they would want to try it — kindness would be contagious.”
A few weeks before the Gold Bikini Mom incident, the local newspaper called. They were starting a new Focus on Women section. They thought that as a previous television news reporter, she might write a column on politics, cooking, or parenting. But none of those were a fit for her, she honestly and jokingly admitted to the editor.
He said, “Okay, call me when you have a topic.” Soon after her first kindness incident, as she consciously started practicing acts of kindness – and observing the results for both herself and the recipients, she realized that kindness was the topic she wanted to write about and share. That phrase, kindness is contagious, became the name of her newspaper column and then of her first book.
“This was a HUGE turning point in my life,” she said. “Within one year of being intentional about kindness, I quit drinking and smoking, lost 30 pounds, re-fell in love with my husband and found joy in my life.”
Then, in 2014, breast cancer came calling.
“My state of mind when diagnosed really helped me survive,” she said. “If I had been diagnosed before my kindness conversion, my husband said I may have given up.”
By being intentional and systematic about practicing kindness, she had re-trained her brain to re-route a bad day. It was her own personal treatment plan. And it was simply based on small acts of kindness. For example, if she was angry, anxious or sad, she’d do a simple act of kindness, like go buy a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew and deliver it to her neighbor —a grandmother raising 4 kids — for whom that was a much-appreciated treat. It got her mind off herself, and changed how she felt.
Giving kindness also let her be appreciative instead of embarrassed when someone was kind to her. “It also taught me how to accept kindness,” she said, “because I feel like breast patients so often feel guilty for accepting help. Kindness is about the person doing the act of kindness, not the receiver. By accepting their offers of help — things like picking up the kids at school for me — it made them feel like they had a part in my journey and in my healing.
“I love to talk to cancer patients about accepting kindness from others because that is a difficult part of our journey, but it’s an essential part of our journey. Using kindness to both give to other people but also to receive kindness during the cancer journey are both very important.”
A theme she uses in her breast cancer program is the story of the black dot. A professor in a large assembly hall holds up a white piece of paper with a small black dot, and asks everyone to write about the black dot.
“Everyone in the class wrote about black dot. We all have a black dot — it just has a different name. It can be cancer or other disease, difficult finances, divorce, disabilities, family division, etc. The more you look at it, the bigger it becomes.
“However, if you look at the white space — the space in your life for joy, fun, creativity — they all become illuminated because you’re not so focused on the black dot.
“It’s a shift in perspective. What are you giving your time and attention to? The life you transform with kindness is your own.”
In her talks for survivor events, as well as for teachers, nurses, caregivers, 
and everyone else who has to deal with people on a daily basis, Nicole poses very good questions, with arousing answers. Everyone in your audience will find herself refreshed and reinvigorated by Nicole’s message.
She captivates and engages her audiences; radiating personality comes naturally to her. After all, she is a former Miss Wisconsin, a TV broadcaster, a speaker, and the author of two books, Kindness is Contagious, and Kindness is Courageous; it should be no surprise that Nicole’s energy is infectious.
Find out more about her and her topics; click here on our website, and call or email me about bringing her to your community.
Kindness is Contagious
Nicole says “Kindness is Contagious,” and I think she’s exactly right. My daily dog walk often takes me by a limited income senior apartment building. Just after interviewing Nicole the other day, Bindy and I were walking by there, and a senior woman was also out enjoying the autumn afternoon in front of the building. She was walking with a cane, and wearing a beige pantsuit with some beautiful embroidery on the front of the jacket.
I thought to myself how nice she looked — like she was really taking care of herself. Now Bindy stops to say hello to just about everyone; she loves being admired and petted. As we paused, I simply commented to the woman about her beautiful suit and said that she looked really nice. She quickly responded that it was quite an old outfit (as many of us are quick to say ) – perhaps a parallel to our discomfort in accepting kindness? And I responded that I thought that was a compliment to her good taste and investment in classic style. A few more comments about dogs, the weather, etc. and we were on our way.
I walked away feeling enriched by that little encounter, and realizing how quickly I could have walked by without saying a word. And that’s when I realized that Nicole’s words had already made an impact on me. Kindness is indeed contagious.
Until next time, be kind to yourself as well as others, and take care of yourself for your well being and those you love.
Yours truly,
Barbara
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