Vol. 21, Issue 1, Jan. 17, 2023

It’s a fresh new year. As poet Mary Oliver would ask, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” (from her poem, “The Summer Day” in New and Selected Poems, 1992). A good place to start would be to look in the mirror and ask yourself that question. Are you settling? Are you uninspired? Are you mired in the everyday mundane? Are you bored or simply overwhelmed? Are you facing a life challenge?

On the other hand, what makes you come alive? What makes you want to kick ass? What prompts you to venture outside your comfort zone? What excites you? What gratifies you? What gives you peace? What makes you feel loved?

There’s a lot of talk these days about self-care, and I have written recently about two speakers who have focused our attention on this as we emerged from the pandemic — Diane Sieg, who explores the idea of self-leadership, and Kim Becking, who discovered the power of allowing yourself to feel what you feel during her recovery from breast cancer.

In this blog, we’re taking it from another angle — self-love. It usually doesn’t get enough attention because it gets misaligned with the thinking that self-love is selfish. Today I’m presenting an entire article by this month’s featured speaker, Darcy Lord, PhD, on why that is not selfish. In it Darcy unveils how self-love is radically different from being selfish and in fact how it is the key to bringing you alive and claiming your one wild and precious life.

Why Self-Love Isn’t Selfish &

Why It’s Our Most Important Job

by Darcy Lord, PhD

Have you ever felt big, fat, happy, juicy love for someone? Maybe your child, or your spouse, or an awesome furry four-legger. Have you ever been proud of, and happy for, them when something went well? How about feeling compassionate or kind or strong for them when they were hurting? To hold other people in our hearts as precious and worthy and lovable, and to see them as inherently good (even when they mess up), is a gift that we often bestow on others. You can feel the beauty and the positive power in that. Love heals. It assists people in reaching toward their highest potential.

We already know that. It’s why we cringe and feel sad or indignant or mad when we hear stories about parents or teachers or coaches telling someone we love that they’re worthless or unlovable or that they’ll never be good enough… Yuk.

So here’s a proposal to carry that knowledge a step further: What if we turned some of that love and power and kindness back upon ourselves? What if we included ourselves in our circle of love and care? Self-love isn’t selfish. As a matter of fact, it’s the only thing that is powerful enough to help us reach toward living the highest version of ourselves. Here’s what’s actually selfish, contrary to popular belief: hanging onto our brain’s bias toward negativity, the role modeling we see of others’ constant self-criticism, and the memory of old messages that said we’re not worthy or lovable or good enough. Those are selfish – albeit unconscious – habits.

To Free Yourself, Let Go of Self-Criticism

Here’s why it’s selfish to hang onto the habit of constant self-criticism, the incessant “I’m not good enough” and “I’m not doing it right enough” self-talk. Because the extent to which we continue our habit of self-criticism over the choice to practice self-love, is the extent to which we continue to settle in life, meaning that we settle for a life of “meh,” a life of littleness, and a life of status quo. That’s when we’re not living up to the expansive, joyful version of ourselves that our soul and the Universe are calling us toward. And the extent to which we do begin practicing self-love, is the extent to which we begin stepping into the joyful magnificence of living our highest and best lives.

That’s why self-love is your most important job right now. People desperately need you to love yourself enough to live your higher purpose. Because loving yourself actually gives them permission to love themselves too. It helps lift their vibration high enough so they can believe – even for a moment – that they can do it too. They need your spark of living joyfully to shake them out of their spell that says, “This is as good as it gets.”

Practicing Self-Love Brings Out Your Mama Bear

Here’s what happens when you practice self-love: You’ll go at a pace that makes you feel good. You’ll eat foods that nourish your body. You’ll stop doing things for others that it serves them better to do themselves (even if they’d “rather not, thank you very much”). You’ll move toward activities that bring you more joy. You’ll start living in alignment with what brings you meaning and purpose. You’ll rest when you’re tired. You’ll create a combination of money and time that allows you to live with ease. You’ll listen for and honor your inner/spiritual messages. You’ll find a way to heal things that are hurting you. You’ll step away from depleting relationships. You’ll forgive yourself for not being perfect. You’ll start to tell yourself the truth – that you’re already enough and that you’re already doing it right. You’ll be softer and gentler on yourself when you need respite and relief.

You’ll be mama bear, stubbornly, powerfully, and calmly demanding positive action when it’s time for that. You’ll give yourself compassion when you’re hurting, and you’ll celebrate yourself when you’re kicking butt. These are the products of self-love. And these are the things that will fill you up so much that you can be your best self not only for yourself, but for everyone you interact with.

And that’s why the awesome power of self-love is neither selfish nor narcissistic. Selfishness and narcissism close our hearts. But love always opens our hearts. Love – whether toward others or toward oneself – is beautiful and powerful and kind and strong and compassionate and patient and tolerant and expansive. Those being selfish or narcissistic don’t extend love because they live with closed hearts. That’s a sad, sad state that has nothing to do with self-love.

Open Hearts Open the Floodgates of Love

As we love ourselves, our hearts open to the highest and best for all concerned because that’s when we can feel the essential truth that we are all connected. Whatever you’re already doing beautifully, powerfully, and lovingly for others… understand that your power for good increases exponentially as you treat yourself with more love and kindness. That’s why self-love is the best, most direct route for helping others as well.

It may take some time, but loving yourself can become a playful, powerful, and natural habit for good. If you’d like to learn more – and get some practice – join me Feb 7th at 7pm EST for my online program “Self-Love as Spiritual Practice.” It’s free and open to anyone: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/self-love-as-spiritual-practice-tickets-494627222337

We’re all being called higher – can you feel it?

— Darcy Lord, PhD

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Dr. Darcy Lord is an author, speaker, and stress-reduction expert. She has been a speaker, trainer, and coach for over 30 years guiding audiences toward their own happiness, stress-relief, personal empowerment, and intelligent self-management. She received her PhD from The Ohio State University in Somatic Education which addresses the mind-body-spirit connection, and she is the author of the highly reviewed book 52 Weeks of Relief: Uplifting Provocations for Stress Reduction & Self-Care.

Since 2020, as the world re-invented the way it gathered, Dr. Lord has added virtual presentations to her professional speaking services. And her audiences have benefited. In a world where Zoom fatigue is a common experience, Darcy’s authentic enthusiasm, bright energy, and huge joy – manifestations of her own self-love – will truly help your virtual group feel present, engaged, connected, and energized.

To bring Darcy in to spread self-love for the members, employees, and associates in your community, workplace, or group — in person or virtually — give me a call at 503-699-5031 or email me at barbara@speakwellbeing.com

Self-Love for Your Well Being

As I reflect on 2022, I can frankly say that taking myself on a women’s retreat (which was definitely an act of self-love) was a highlight of my year and one of the best things I could have done for myself. Although at the time I wasn’t coming from a low place, I think I was nevertheless feeling kind of stagnant. The retreat truly opened me to new perspectives, suggested fresh possibilities, and gave me permission to create and hold new visions for myself. As Darcy notes, the bonus is that those around me are benefiting as well – exponentially.

Until next time, I recommend that you invest in yourself and invest in self-love, for that is taking care of yourself for your well being and those you love.

Yours truly,
Barbara

The Speak Well Being Group is a specialized speakers bureau, focusing on health and wellness for all types of organizations that want to foster health and well being for their employees, members, clients, and in their communities.

Finding the perfect keynote speaker for your special event or conference is my personal passion, not just once, but year after year. It brings me great joy to know that your audience was delighted and moved by the speaker we selected together. I’m committed to making the process easy, pleasant and fun.